Shingeki no Puru
by Nimrochan
Summary: Haruka Jaeger, like the rest of humanity, is forced to live the life of trapped prey as man-eating Titans roam the outside world. His dream is to one day kill all the Titans and swim all the waters of the world, including lava. He does not understand what lava is.
1. SIE SIND DAS ESSEN & WIR SIND DIE JÄGER

**Author's Note:** Let's face it, this was inevitable.

* * *

**Chapter 1: SIE SIND DAS ESSEN UND WIR SIND DIE JÄGER**

Haruka Jaegar was a boy of simple but unusual tastes.

He liked swimming, for one. He _really_ liked swimming. Like, no really.

When he was born into the cold, dry, poolless world that was life, he tried to go back inside. When he was two, he almost died when he jumped in the soup pot (thankfully, there had been a crippling shortage of firewood at the time and the soup was not hot enough to kill him).

At age six he was grounded for leaving the water hose running for several days. His reason? "I want to turn Shiganshina into a giant pool."

At age eight he was rescued from a well. Against his will.

His other taste was homicide. But we'll get to that later.

Now he was age ten and dreaming wistfully about the outside world and all the virgin pools he had not violated yet.

"Are you done gathering firewood?"

"Huh?" he was shaken from his pool dream by his doe-eyed adopted sibling, Mikasa.

She sighed. "Let me guess. You went swimming in the river instead."

"Yes."

"You're completely useless, Haruka."

"My mind is like a pool, Mikasa. Clear. Deep. Bleached. I don't expect you to understand."

Mikasa rolled her eyes, and then noticed something. "Are you crying?"

"Yes."

"How many times have I told you? You'll never produce enough tears to create a pool out of the Shiganshina District."

"Oh yeah, just like you never took off that scarf."

"Just like you never take off your swimsuit."

Haruka squinted. "Well-played."

* * *

Later that day, Haruka and Mikasa sat down to eat lunch in their quaint little house. Upon sitting down, Haruka deliberately upended his cup of water unto the table. Then he splashed his hands around the puddle for a few seconds before rubbing his face all over it. When he was done, he took Mikasa's cup of water and spilled it all over his chest and down his pants. This was a normal occurrence in the Jaeger household and no one questioned nor acknowledged it.

Haruka's father, Dr. Grisha Jaeger, was reading Wall Maria's popular newspaper, the _Wall Street Maria_ (featured article, "Man Thinks About Going Outside. Doesn't.") His wife, Carla Jaeger, stood cooking the usual fish stew. Despite the lack of seafood outside Wall Rose, Haruka refused to eat anything that did not swim. Carla had been forced to take on a day job cleaning bird poop off of Wall Maria to be able to afford it. It was a daunting and infinitely endless task, but at least it was steady work.

"Thank you for the firewood, children," said Dr. Jaeger during lunch. "How was your day?"

"Haruka wants to join the Recon Corps."

Carla dropped the ladle on the floor. "_What?_"

"Ah dammit Mikasa, why'd you tell them?"

"You will absolutely not!" His mother was livid. "Do you have any idea how many people die on those missions?"

"I can't stay here my whole life!" shouted Haruka. "Not when there are other bodies of water I must experience!"

"I said no!"

"A fish has to swim, Mom!"

"And you're not a fish!"

Haruka slammed his fist on the table. "I was born wrong, why don't you understand that?!"

She turned to her husband. "Talk some sense into him!"

"You want me to talk sense into a boy who thinks it's normal to swim in the drainage from factory down the street?"

"_To be fair_," interjected Haruka, "I wouldn't have done it if they didn't ban me from the community pool."

Carla rubbed the bridge of her nose. "You wouldn't have been banned if you didn't violently murder that boy."

"HE PEED IN THE POOL, MOM! _He peed in the pool!_"

"Alright, that is my cue to leave." Dr. Jaeger got up. "Please try to behave, Haruka. I might let you into the basement once I return."

"Really, Father?" Haruka's face lit up. "You're going to show me the secret pool you have hidden in the basement?"

Dr. Jaeger sighed. "For the last time, Haruka, that basement does not contain a secret pool."

* * *

It was a Tuesday afternoon. Haruka ran out of the house after the usual argument with his mother, Mikasa followed him out as usual, and also as usual they both had to save Armin from a group of bullies. Well, _Mikasa_ did. Haruka was as good as beating up bullies as he was at not swimming.

"Those guys were just jerks, Armin," said Haruka as the three of them sat down on some stone steps. "They were like… evaporation. I hate evaporation."

"As usual, Haruka, you have a good heart but not enough dimension," said Armin affectionately.

"_Who told you about my dementia?_" hissed Haruka.

"He said 'dimension,' idiot,'" said Mikasa.

"Oh."

Mikasa turned to Armin. "Why were they bullying you again?"

"I tried to explain math to them again and I don't know, they got really mad."

"Oh, Armin."

It was then that they heard an ear-splitting crash in the distance and felt the ground shake beneath them.

"Wha… what was that?"

They got up and ran towards the noise, many other Wall Maria residents following suit. And what they saw made them stand still and hold their breaths. Haruka was very good at holding his breath.

"That… that's a Titan!" said Armin, starting to tremble in fright. "How could it be? That wall is 50 meters tall!"

The Titan was indeed an aberrant one, much bigger than the others. Strangely, it seemed to lack any skin, making its muscle and bones eerily visible. It reminded Haruka of those see-through fish he had read about once.

Without warning, the titanic Titan kicked a hole through the gated wall and sent huge chunks of wall flying everywhere.

"STOP PUTTING HOLES IN MY UNFINISHED POOL!" shouted Haruka.

"Haruka!" Mikasa was white with fear. "That debris landed where our house is!"

"Oh no!"

They ran back to their house, leaving Armin to wet himself.

* * *

"Come on!" Haruka valiantly attempted to move a large rock that was eight times his weight. "Mikasa, help me move this!"

"Um, Haruka?" Mikasa stared at him. "That's the neighbor's house."

"…Oh."

He swiftly moved to her side.

"Haruka, take Mikasa and go!" said his mother, trapped under the rubble of her house.

"I'm not leaving you!" he tried wrenching out a large piece of wood in vain. "Come on, Mom, just swim out of there!"

Despite the pain in her shattered legs, Carla found the strength to slap him.

"Don't worry, I've come to save the day!" shouted a family friend called Hannes, running in their direction.

"Here look!" Haruka turned to his mother. "Hannes is here! He's a professional, we'll all be saved!"

Hannes ran towards the Titan, got a good look at its face, said "Nope," and made a clean 180 degree turn the other way. He grabbed the children and ran for it.

"What are you doing!" Haruka punched his back. "You forgot to save my mom!"

"It's too late for her!"

Haruka and Mikasa watched in horror as a grinning Titan that kind of looked like Steven Tyler made its way to the shattered remains of the Jaeger house. It dug up Carla and picked her up as if she were a small doll.

"NOOO!" screamed Haruka as he witnessed the Titan break his still-breathing mother in half. "MOOOOOM!" The Titan's fixed smile seemed to widen sadistically as it threw Carla in its mouth and crunched down on her.

She was gone.

Haruka finally pulled his gaze away and sobbed. "SHE WAS MY FIRST POOL!" he wept. "_She was my first pool_."

Hannes ran to a far enough point and put down the traumatized children to compose themselves.

"I'm so sorry, Haruka," panted Hannes, catching his breath. "I'm so sorry I couldn't save your mother. I guess that means you're the protagonist now."

"ARRRGGGHHH KILL TITANS!"

* * *

**Author's Note:** Boy I hope I put enough swimming jokes in this.


	2. WÜTENDDEUTSCHWORTENSCHRIEAUFIH RGESICHT

**Author's Note:** From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your wonderful reviews. I felt like I was… _swimming_ _in compliments._

* * *

**Chapter 2: WÜTEND DEUTSCH WORTEN SCHRIE AUF IHR GESICHT  
**

_Over a hundred years ago, the Titans appeared out of nowhere and nearly wiped humanity off the face the planet._

_There are many theories about what they are and where they came from. Some say they came from the ground to reclaim the surface. Others say they are the undead victims of the injustices of past societies. Some religious folk believe they were created to punish humanity for its sins. Many believe they are simply demons without a purpose. A crazy man called Bob once said that Titans are statues come to life after fairy dust was sprinkled all over them. He was promptly executed. _

* * *

"Hurry! Shut the gate!"

Many men and women of the Garrison Guard ran in a directionless panic. Others stood paralyzed in fear and staring at the Titans they never thought they would ever see in their lifetimes. Only but a precious few stood grounded.

"Get the cannons ready!" shouted their captain. "They're going to breach the inner walls of Maria!"

"That's what he said!" shouted one of the soldiers as he ran past him in the chaos. The captain made a mental note to have that one executed if he somehow lived through this.

Without warning and against all reason, another aberrant Titan ran through the gate, making a Looney Tunes-style, Titan-shaped hole in the wall behind it. It would have been hilarious had it not been such a devastating blow to humanity.

Unlike the skinless one, this one appeared to be covered in white, bone-like armor.

A very lucky handful of people watched all of this in horror as their boat crossed the canal to the safety of Wall Rose. Armin had tears in his eyes, whereas Mikasa's face was unreadable beneath her scarf save for a slight frown. Haruka looked at the armored Titan and was reminded of sea turtles. He then wondered if all Titans, like him, were secretly marine life.

"Haruka," breathed Mikasa, "I don't understand why you made us all jump into the canal."

"The boat was overcrowded," said Haruka, doing some laps between the two banks.

"No. There was plenty of room," said Armin, struggling to stay afloat and clinging to Mikasa.

"No there wasn't shut up you just can't count."

Telling Armin he couldn't count was just about the worst insult he could receive and he was deeply hurt. Especially since he could tell you exactly how many stars were in the sky at any point of the day. Then again it was the sort of useless talent one develops when one lives their whole life inside a circle of wall . But I digress.

* * *

The year was 847, and Mikasa and Haruka were finally of age to join the military. Armin was not, but Haruka lied about his age and signed him up anyway. "You're welcome," he had said.

Mikasa clearly remembered the day they decided to join. It was a few days or a year or whatever after Wall Maria fell and the three of them found themselves living off of one loaf of bread a day while working the fields. Haruka had experienced a nasty shock about his new life in Wall Rose from their overseer at the time.

Due to Wall Rose not having the space of Maria or the wealth of Sina, it did not have any pools. Needless to say, Haruka punched Armin, threw up, and then fell into a deep depression upon hearing this news. In fact, later that day, he alone tried to reclaim Wall Maria. It did not end well when Armin's grandfather went to rescue him and died in the process.

"We're joining the military police," he had said, Armin holding a raw steak to his eye and giving him a glare with the unbruised part of his face while Mikasa abysmally filled a make-shift kiddie pool with a hose. "I heard they have indoor pools in Sina. And rooftop pools. And pools shaped like kidneys. And pools that are small and heated. And even vast pools that they use for relaxing the premium pure-bred cattle that they eat every day for lunch. And they're all filled with water. That's the best part of a pool."

"That's the _only_ part of a pool," said Armin irritably.

"But I thought you wanted to join the Recon Corps and see the world," said Mikasa.

"Are you crazy? _There are Titans out there_."

And that was that.

* * *

"If I need to elevate three feet off the ground," muttered the bespectacled trainee that was being strapped into the suspension wires for basic position control training, "I need to exert an equal amount of balance to all points of my body. I must look beautiful doing it too, otherwise it's all for naught."

"That guy's a freak," said Thomas, another new recruit. Behind him, Mikasa had to hold back Haruka from attempting to sniff the bleached hair of a young man named Jean.

"Are you ready?" asked their instructor, Keith Shardis.

"The straps are each angled at 35 degrees," continued Rei, "each can support about 30 lb. of pressure and-ARGH!" he immediately flipped upside-down upon being lifted, his face smacking the ground.

"Another winner," said Shardis.

"I can do it, sir!" pleaded Rei, the blood pouring down from his grazed forehead. "It doesn't matter if I'm upside-down when I maneuver, does it?"

"It would if we weren't desperate for recruits because of our abysmal battle survival rate," muttered Shardis. "Next!"

It was Haruka's turn. Everyone stared in shock as he suddenly stripped down to his swimsuit. It was not easy removing the layered uniform and belts so quickly, but he had practiced all night.

"What," said Shardis flatly, "are you doing."

"I swim only in my swimsuit."

"You keep a _swimsuit_ under your uniform?"

"Yes, sir."

He turned beet-red with rage. "_This isn't swimming, you moron!_"

"Maneuvering through the air in three dimensions is almost like swimming through the buildings," responded Haruka with a straight face. It was not quite the mass flooding he had always wished for, but it was close enough.

Shardis could not even begin to fathom how to explain the ways in which using the three-dimensional gear while being half-naked was extremely hazardous.

"Son, if you value your nipples, either put your clothes back on or go back to your lodgings."

Haruka left.

* * *

"You're a refugee from Wall Maria, right?"

"Is it true that you saw the Titans?"

"Are they really as big as they say they are?"

The other recruits gathered around Haruka, fascinated by what stories he could tell. It was too bad that he had his face inside the stew bowl. Armin sat nearby, looking eager for their curious questions as well, but he might as well have been a coatrack.

"Is… is Jaeger trying to kill himself?" asked a kid named Marco.

"No," said Mikasa, not looking away from her own food.

"But… his face is completely submerged…"

"Don't worry about him. He can hold his breath for a long time."

"…Okay, but he's getting his bandages soaked in stew."

The one named Rei took a closer look at Haruka. "Why does he have gauze around his head too? He wasn't even strapped to the wires today."

"He tried to carve himself a blowhole in his forehead last night," said Mikasa. "Again."

Haruka emerged from the bowl. "I would have managed it, too, but you won't let me have the drill."

"…"

"I'll find the drill-"

"You won't find the drill."

"This isn't fair! I hate everything!"

"We need to talk about your lack of cooperation," said Armin seriously. "If you keep doing things like stripping off your uniforms and swimming through the horse troughs, they'll kick you out of training! You know perfectly well what happens to refugees who are kicked out of training!"

Indeed, if Haruka could not perform basic training, he would be sent to a cramped sweatshop in the slums at the edge of Wall Rose to work eighteen hours a day making scented candles for people in Sina. And he would surely drag Mikasa and Armin along with him.

"Don't be ridiculous, Armin. You're just jealous because I got a higher score on the IQ test than you."

Armin turned red. "The hell you did! You switched our answer sheets!"

At a table nearby, Jean could not help but stare at Mikasa.

"Connie," he whispered, "I think I like that hot chick over there."

"Who? Mikasa?" Connie looked around. "You just like her because she stopped that weird swimsuit guy from tearing out your hair."

"Nuh-uh!"

"If you ask me, you're better suited to Ymir."

They both looked at Ymir on the other side of the cabin. Her table was currently cheering her on as she stuffed her face with whole apples on a dare.

"I don't think she's even human," said Jean.

"Neither is Mikasa, when you think about it."

Indeed, Mikasa decided she had had enough of Haruka and Armin's nonsense for the night. She walked out of the cabin carrying one of them under each arm, kicking and screaming.

* * *

The recruits were given hand-to-hand combat training some time later.

"This is stupid," said Haruka, upside-down with his behind in the air and knees in his face after being thrown by Annie for the eighteenth time. "I killed two people. I don't need this. No one needs this. Seriously when would we need this?"

Nearby, someone robbed Armin.

"Quit whining," Reiner helped Haruka up. He leaned in close to whisper. "You'll never beat her like that. She's too good. What you have to do is resort to insulting her gender. It'll throw her off and make her lose focus, then you swoop in for the attack. Trust me on this."

As far as Haruka was concerned, there were only two genders; people and water. But he gave it a shot anyway. He walked up to Annie and cleared his throat.

"Annie," he said, "you belong in the kitchen."

"But it's not my turn to be on kitchen duty," replied Annie.

"Oh."

"…"

"I'm sorry to bother you then." He walked away.

Annie smirked ever so slightly. "Hey, Jaeger." He turned. She took out her water flask, unscrewed the cap, and emptied the contents onto the dusty ground beneath her.

Without warning, Haruka charged at her. She sidestepped him and then used his momentum to throw him at Reiner.

"ARGH! Haruka, you idiot!" Reiner pushed him off.

"Was she flirting with me?" asked Haruka, getting up and brushing the dust off himself. To think that a being composed of 70% water might actually be attracted to him.

"I highly doubt it."

"What makes you say that?"

"She just flipped you the bird as she walked away."

"Oh." _That won't do at all_, thought Haruka. He could never respond to someone who flipped him anything other than the fish.

Mikasa walked over to them. "Are you okay, Haruka?"

"Yes."

"Did she hurt you?"

"Don't worry, Mikasa, I'm fine."

"Did she touch you?"

"No, Mikasa, no one touched me."

"Because if she did I'll cut her face."

"Mikasa I really don't want you in jail again-"

"_Show me where the bitch touched you_."

"Where did you two say you were from again?" asked Reiner, puzzled by their odd relationship and not wanting anything to escalate.

"Shiganshina," said Haruka.

"Ah, Shiganshina. I myself lived in a village in southeast Maria but I went to Shiganshina on vacation once. Lovely architecture."

"All the architecture in Wall Maria is the same."

"Oh like we have a wide range of tourist destinations."

"Fair point."

Mikasa looked at Reiner and then at Haruka.

"Did he touch you?"

"Stop it."

* * *

Training inside the forest with the three-dimensional gear proved particularly harsh. However, it gave the instructors excellent opportunity to observe their trainees in action, test their aptitudes, and build their profiles. It was also to establish the characters to make it especially painful for readers if some of them should die later in the story. ATTACK ON TITAN DESU.

_Reiner Braun_, observed Shardis. _Noble__ soldier with a solid constitution__. A trusted comrade to all. He also possesses incredible agility and strength. I'm going to ask him to help me move out of my apartment later next week.  
_

_Annie Leonhardt. She is precise with her blows, but is the solitary type and does not do well with teams. I noticed this earlier when she was playing Solitaire by herself._

_Bertholdtdl Hoover. Great potential and hand-to-hand combat skills, but his self-confidence is lacking. I hope he is among the first to die so I won't have to properly learn his name._

_Haruka Jaeger. No particular talent. He is somewhat skilled at maneuvering, but not too bright at all. Has problems with authority and teamwork. He insists on doing what he calls "freestyle" maneuvers that he makes up and refuses to stay in formation._

_Sasha Braus. Human vacuum. Lightning fast and intuitive with the three dimensional gear, yet I feel she is a liability. I caught her stealing cheese from the mouse traps the other day. Her tongue is still bandaged. _

_Connie Springer. Good balance, especially good at turning, but not very motivated. Despite choosing to join training, he is extremely lazy and is convinced that the Military Police work only three hours a day. It's really more like three and a half hours._

_Mikasa Ackerman. A perfect soldier. Unprecedented genius in strategy who excels in the most difficult of courses. Strangely overprotective of Jaeger, and I worry it will lead to her downfall. Two days ago he tripped and scraped his knee and she cried for thirty minutes straight._

_Marco Bodt. Idealist, the others like him. Seems to be a genuine soldier. It is a terrible shame that they do not allow anyone with freckles into the Military Police._

_Armin Arlert. His soft body and weak bones will make excellent Titan fodder. He will be among the first wave should we experience another attack. _

_Jean Kirschtein. Highly skilled at the three dimensional maneuvering and is quite assertive. But prone to rash behavior and conflicts. Also has a nasty habit of exposing himself to people who question his hair color._

_Rei Ryugazaki. He maneuvers upside-down. I don't know what else to write about this._

_Krista Renz. Not very skilled, but highly liked among her teammates. Very mysterious. Some of the others think she is a deity. One of the superior officers found a shrine to her in one of the bathroom stalls in the communal toilets. _

_Ymir. Another girl with a mysterious past. Efficient with the blades and focused. However, she is verbally abusive and quite selfish. She made Reiner cry for thirty minutes straight._

_Several unnamed recruits. I have a bad feeling that things won't end well for them._

* * *

It was graduation day.

The members of the 104th training squad gathered on the top of Wall Rose to gaze down upon the Trost District, glowing with pride and a new hope.

"Well guys, we made it." Haruka felt happier than he had felt in years. He felt so happy he even thought about smiling.

Even Armin and Rei made it through all three years of training. Though that wasn't saying much, considering the army's desperation for higher numbers of soldiers. In fact, two members of the 104th training squad were just scarecrows in uniform with carved melons for heads. Their names were Elliot and George.

Sasha walked up to her teammates with a cart full of meat. "We should celebrate by eating Mr. Jollies."

"Did… did you kill your horse, Sasha?" asked Connie.

"Yes. Was I not allowed to?"

"Oh, Sasha." And everyone laughed sitcom-style.

"Hey what's that behind you, Haruka?"

Haruka turned around to come face-to-face with the colossal see-through Titan from five years ago.

"Today," he breathed, still with a trace of elation from the graduation, "will be a bad day."

* * *

**Author's Note:** I don't know if I can ever top that "She was my first pool" line for the rest of my writing life, but I'm pretty happy with how this is going, despite thinking at first that I'd keep it as a one-shot ^_^

Many thanks to Hugo the Diabolical Penguin for the idea of Wall Sina having pools and leading Haru to want to join the Military Police :D

On that note, if you enjoy my writing style and are an avid fan of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, then I highly recommend my other fic that I'm working on called "Fullmetal Lol."


	3. SALZWASSER FLIESST DURCH MEINE ADERN

**Author's Note:** Thank you all again for the lovely reviews. I could just EAT YOU ALL UP.

…

Ignore that.

* * *

**Chapter 3: ****SALZWASSER ****FLIESST ****DURCH MEINE ADERN**

_"What are you doing?!"_

Haruka could not recall it very well. It was some forgotten memory that would sometimes fade in and out, like the moonlight on a cloudy night. During his training years, when he could not sleep, he would look up at the ceiling and attempt to find meaning in this shattered memory that might help him come to terms with himself.

_"Haruka!"_

_"Father?!"_

_"Give me your arm!"  
_

_"What are you doing?! Stop!"_

_The sound of the rustling dead leaves beneath them was deafeningly loud in the otherwise tranquil forest._

"_Haruka! How many times must I tell you?!" Dr. Jaeger tried prying his son's arm away from him. _

"_Leave me alone-!"_

"_Do NOT go into my medical bag and inject yourself with random syringes from it! They're highly experimental!"_

"_I WANT TO BECOME LIQUID!"_

_Haruka stabbed himself with the syringe before his father could stop him._

* * *

"Oh god it's happening again!" screamed a seasoned soldier.

The panicked recruits were reflected in the cold, cruel eyes of the colossal Titan. It lifted its gigantic foot; just like five years ago, it kicked a large hole in the gate and sent boulders flying everywhere.

"Switch to your 3-dimensional gear!" shouted another older soldier to the frightened recruits. "Everyone spread out! Warn the Garrison Guards! Evacuate the citizens! Alert the King! Shut off all the ovens!"

Haruka immediately targeted the colossal Titan. If he could kill it now, perhaps the government would forgive him for getting stuck in the irrigation pipes last year and let him join the Military Police (despite the resulting widespread crop death followed by famine in some southern villages of Wall Rose).

He launched himself magnificently at the enormous, man-like creature. "I'll get you this time! No more breaking pools for you!" He speared it with his gear, swung around a slow hit from its massive arm, charged at the neck and then… nothing.

"Huh?" Haruka found himself falling. The Titan had disappeared in a cloud of steam.

"What… it's like… it's like he evaporated!" Haruka maneuvered up over the wall and landed near Armin on a rooftop before suddenly giving way to a paralyzing fear.

"Armin could I- could I evaporate? Could that happen to me?!"

"No, Haruka, I've already told you. You can't evaporate."

"But I'm mostly water!"

"You're not a puddle in an open field, Haruka, you're fine!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You promise?"

"Yes."

"… Okay."

Armin knew full-well that people could not evaporate, after all. Heavens knew he tried to do it so many times throughout his life. Especially a few weeks ago when the other recruits found out his parents raised him as a girl for five years before they realized their mistake.

"Haruka! Armin!" Thomas and some other recruits made their way over to them.

"The rear guard is evacuating people," said a recruit named Mina. "It's up to us to contain the damage here!"

"Right!" Thomas turned to Haruka. "You're not the only one who wants to be in the Military Police, Haruka! Let's make a contest out of killing Titans!"

"I told you guys, I only maneuver free-style."

"Whatever, dude, just try to keep up with us!"

"Yeah!" Mina high-fived him.

Thomas then noticed something glittering on the ground far beneath them.

"Oooh is that a penny?"

"Thomas- NO!"

Thomas hopped down the middle of some buildings and was immediately eaten by the rare and elusive Jumping Titan.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Haruka was furious. He had been very fond of Thomas. Especially since Thomas had once spat in his face (Haruka had taken it as a compliment).

He free-styled his way on over to the aberrant Jumping Titan, his blood boiling with fury. "You'll pay for what you did to Thomas!" Full of rage, he was careless and did not see the smaller Titan right below him. In an instant of searing pain, his left leg was severed; Haruka crashed into the rooftops and spun out of control, sending shingles and blood droplets flying everywhere before slowing down to a stop.

"Ow… I wish I didn't… step in that… bucket of hot sauce… this morning…" he breathed, slowly bleeding to death.

* * *

"Welp, Thomas and Haruka are out," said another recruit, Nack. "I can't believe someone actually died before you, Armin."

Armin made unintelligible noises. He was surprised, too.

"We'd better get moving," said Mina. "Before we all turn into Titan crap."

Even in the horrifying aftermath of what he had just witness not ten seconds ago, Armin could not stand for the atrocity of misinformation.

"Actually," he said, "Titans don't have the digestive capabilities to-"

"Armin, if we wanted to learn things, we wouldn't have used all your books for firewood," said Mina.

"We shouldn't just stand here!" said Millius, the recruit next to her. "Let's move!"

"Yeah!" Everyone jumped off the rooftops (except for Armin, who returned to being numb with terror now that he remembered the loss of his books as well).

* * *

The sight of their struggle was quite horrifying; Millius and Nack were crushed to death, while Mina was eaten alive. Before long, the entire District of Trost was showered in blood and limbs, many broken blades and mangled gear littering the streets.

And Armin could only sit there, watching the scene before him unfolding like a bad dream. But he wasn't in his boxers, so it obviously wasn't a dream.

"Why… why am I just sitting here… watching people die?" He barely noticed the Titan creeping behind him. It picked him up by the scruff of his neck.

Haruka watched from the rooftop he was splayed across while Armin was slowly levitated, the Titan hovering him over its open mouth.

"Don't… don't eat Armin…" he rasped, as though the Titan would hear his feeble voice. "He'll… he'll make you sick… trust me…" he tried to move but he immediately collapsed. "This would be so much… easier if I were underwater and didn't… weigh so much… Ah, forget it… I'll just lie here and die…"

It was then that Haruka had a curious flashback…

* * *

"_Haruka! Over here!"_

"_Huh?"_

_Haruka pulled his gaze away from the mop bucket he was staring longingly at and saw Armin running towards him with a large object._

"_What's that?"_

"_My grandpa had it hidden! It's a book!"_

_Haruka immediately lost interest. Books were of no use to him. You couldn't read a book underwater, after all. _

"_It's not like other books. It's a book about the outside!"_

"_And I should care because…?"_

"_Look!"_

_He threw open the book._

"_This should interest you… Look at all these waters!"_

"_What?"_

"_Look! There is such a thing as water made of fire!"_

"_Water… made of fire?" Haruka felt emotion at this._

"_Yes! And these frozen lands completely made of ice!"_

"_Ice?"_

_Haruka had heard about this "ice" stuff once before. It was supposedly unusually thick water. It must have made for an exhilarating swim._

"_Yeah! And also-" Armin turned the page to show a picture of a circle. The circle was mostly blue with some green splotches. "See that? That's the world! _Our _world! It's covered in over 75% water!"_

_Haruka came._

* * *

Haruka slammed his fist into the broken shingles and lifted himself up once more, the seeping blood from his forehead almost blinding him. He had no choice; he would have to save Armin, because unlike him, Armin could read. And unlike many other people who could read, Armin was one of the only two people in Haruka's life who could tolerate him for longer than thirty seconds for some reason.

* * *

As Armin slid down the disgusting, slimy tongue, he could not help but feel a sudden rush of regrets.

_I never saw the outside world…_ he thought. _I'll… I'll never see the ocean… or…_ _or ride a triceratops… _

(It should be noted here that, when it came to the outside world, Armin just assumed everything in his books still existed.)

But before he knew it, Haruka was above him, lodging his blade in the Titan's front teeth with one hand and reaching for Armin with the other. The sun beamed behind him as though he were some sort of beacon of hope in a dark, dark world.

"ARMIN!"

"HARUKA!"

Armin reached for his rescuer's extended hand and… Haruka opened his palm and shoved him further back.

"What are you doing?! _Stop pushing me!_" His legs dangled dangerously at the back of the Titan's throat as he clawed at the tongue for dear life.

"But I thought you wanted to learn anatomy! Isn't this the best way, really?"

"HARUKA! MY GOD!"

"Sorry-"

"PULL ME THE FUCK OUT!"

"Okay okay jeez."

He pulled Armin out and tossed him out of the mouth and back unto the nearby roof. It was fortunate that Armin weighed so little due to the malnutrition that plagued most of the refugees.

Haruka turned around. "Armin! Grab my hand!"

"I've got you, Haruka! Even though you're an idiot!"

Armin moved his hand forward to grab Haruka, but it was too late; the Titan, feeling it was rude to keep its mouth for so long, shut it down on Haruka's extended arm.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Armin, the arm flying grotesquely from the force. He could not believe what just happened; Haruka was one of the only two people in Armin's life who could tolerate him for longer than thirty seconds for some reason.

* * *

Somewhere near the rear guard and helping citizens evacuate, Mikasa felt an odd sensation. Almost as if, somewhere deep within the inner core of her being, she felt that something had gone horribly, horribly wrong.

"It's probably just gas," she said, shrugging it off.

* * *

The second Titan attack in less than a decade seemed to go underway in a matter of minutes. All along the top of Wall Rose bordering Trost, the Garrison Guard sent attack after attack of cannonball fire. It seemed to have minimal effect on the relentless march of Titans.

"The vanguard is mostly dead," said one of the soldiers who had been a previous instructor, grimly watching across Trost.

"And the new recruits aren't doing very well," said another. Indeed, having never used their gear inside the town, many of the new recruits slammed straight into buildings.

"Why did we train them in the woods?"

Near the front of Trost, Armin still could not bring himself to move, even after his other teammates from the 104th training squad arrived.

"Armin? ARMIN? Hello!?" Connie waved his Armins in front of arms... Uh, arms in front of Armin, but he would not respond.

"Maybe his brain finally short-circuited," said Ymir.

"Come on, isn't obvious?" said Connie. "Everyone in his squad must have died." He turned to Armin. "Armin, are you okay? How did you survive?"

"He probably got eaten but then spit out because he tastes like knowledge."

"Ymir, don't make me punch you!"

"Don't make me punch _you._"

"Stop it!" said Krista. "Look, we're all on edge after seeing all our friends get ki- Ymir, please stop touching my butt."

"Sorry."

"We need to reinforce the front guards, you guys," continues Connie. "Armin, can you get up?"

"Y-yes." He gingerly got to his feet. "I-I'll go back up the rear guard! Sorry to be such a bother!" He left before anyone could stop him.

"Oh Ymir, you hurt his feelings," said Krista.

"I'm sure he's desensitized by now."

He was not.

* * *

As Armin made his way to the rear guard, he couldn't help but think about how cruel the world was. "The strong devour the weak," he muttered out loud to himself. "That's why I always get bullied… that's why Titans eat humans… it's why humans eat chickens…"

He heard someone shouting for help before spotting someone on a rooftop.

"Hannah?"

"HELP!"

He landed to find Hannah vigorously giving CPR to her boyfriend, Franz… only Franz appeared to have had part of his body bitten off from below the waist.

"HE'S NOT BREATHING! HELP ME, ARMIN!"

"Hannah… Hannah it's dangerous, you should-"

"_BUT I CAN'T JUST LEAVE HIM!_"

Armin nearly broke down. How much longer would he have to endure this living hell?

About a few more chapters or volumes, or possibly probably an entire ten seasons of violent anime, that's how long.

* * *

The military headquarters of Wall Rose was one of the largest buildings in the Trost District. It stood tall, dignified, and covered in naked giants.

The recruits who were fast enough to escape the Titans in the lower floors now sat barricaded by flipped tables and terrified, the sunlight in the large windows being blocked by Titans peering inside for their prey.

"Oh man," said a terrified recruit. "This is it. This is the end."

"We're done for."

"I don't wanna die!"

One of the recruits seemed eerily calm and silent. He took his time fiddling with his shotgun, making sure it was properly loaded and ready for firing. The others could not help but stare at him.

"Yosh, that'll do," he said when he finished.

"And how is that supposed to make any difference?" asked the tearful young woman next to him.

He looked at her, frowning slightly. "I dunno, I could like, shoot one in the eye or something and it would really hurt."

"Jimmy if you knew how to aim you wouldn't have been demoted to gas-filling duty."

"… Fair point."

* * *

Mikasa downed yet another aberrant Titan. _The city's practically crawling with them_, she thought. She scanned the area near Wall Rose to see if there were more citizens who needed evacuating. She saw a gaggle of confused, frightened people.

"What's going on?" she maneuvered down to see what all the fuss was about.

"Miss- help us!"

"What happened? Why haven't you left yet?"

"The gate! It won't open!"

Mikasa pointed at it. "It's because you're pushing instead of pulling. It says 'Pull'."

"My god, she's right!"

"We're saved!"

"Thank you, Miss!"

They all went through the exit.

"Lemmings," muttered Mikasa. "All of you."

She then saw her superior, Mitabi, on a nearby rooftop and jumped up to him to receive further instruction. "Excellent work," he said. "Keep that up and you might earn yourself a nice raise!"

"That's good," said Mikasa. "Then I'll be able to afford more than one scarf."

The bells rung. Mikasa turned her head to the direction of the front guard. "The evacuation must be complete then. I'm going to assist the front guard in retreating." She took off. Swinging her way over to the front guard, she had her own flashback…

* * *

"_What does this symbol mean, Mommy?"_

_Mikasa's mother took her daughter's bandaged hand in her own. "It comes from generations of mothers in our family, Mikasa. One day you'll pass it onto your children."_

"_Where do children come from?"_

"_Er… ask your father."_

"_Daddy?"_

_Mr. Ackerman turned away from the goose he was cooking to address his daughter. "They, um… er… Storks bring them! Wrapped in cute little blankets."_

_His wife gave him a sweet smile while Mikasa said "Awww!" _

"_Yeah… it's too bad storks went extinct a hundred years ago after the Titan invasion," he said darkly._

"…"

_It was then that they were interrupted by a knock. Mr. Ackerman went to open the door._

"_Yes?"_

"_Sorry to interrupt you, good sir…"_

* * *

_Two hours later, the two men sat in a cabin a few miles away, Mikasa tied up on the floor. A third man walked into the room._

"_Excellent, you got the girl."_

"_Yeah, Boss."_

"_Was there any struggle?"_

"_No, it was pretty easy actually."_

"_How so?"_

"_They had twins and they only wanted one."_

"_I see."_

"_Why did you want us to kidnap her again, Boss?"_

"_The money," he said greedily. "Look at her."_

"_What about her?"_

"_She is… _kawaii_."_

"… _And?"_

"And_… we can enter her in beauty pageants!"_

"_Beauty pageants?"_

"_Yes! We'll slap some makeup on her, stick her in a frilly dress, teach her some mediocre singing, and buy her heel implants! We'll make hundreds of dollars!" _

"_Whoa, that's genius!" The three men laughed evilly._

_Mikasa struggled against her binding, terrified; she had awful stage fright and did not want to be in any pageants._

_Just then they heard a knock on the door._

"_Who could that be at this hour?"_

"_It's only two in the afternoon, Boss."_

"_Oh, right."_

_The boss opened the door to see a small kid in a swimsuit. He was dripping water everywhere._

"_Excuse me," said Haruka. "I was swimming in the nearby pond, do you have any towels?"_

"_What? Get outta here, kid-!" The boss moved to shove him but then slipped on the water, hitting his head on the floor and __instantly __dying._

"_BOSS!" One of the kidnappers got up and raced towards him._

"_I'm sorry," said Haruka, "let me mop that up so it won't go to waste-" _

_He picked up a mop and it impaled the kidnapper, killing him instantly._

"_YOU BASTARD!" shouted the last of the kidnappers. Clearly the kid was some kind of evil mastermind. The kidnapper took out a knife and ran towards Haruka… Only to slip and fall on his back as well, the knife flinging out of his hand, spinning in midair, and then landing blade-first into his heart._

_Haruka and Mikasa stared at each other for a bit._

"_You saved me," said Mikasa. "How can I ever thank you?"_

"_You… can find me a towel." _

_And she stayed with him out of pity ever since. _

* * *

Mikasa neared the front guard. Jean and some of the others came into view. She looked down sadly. _I was never able to save him from himself. Haruka will always be a waterphile and a registered sex offender._

A few buildings away, the others grew anxious and sensed that something had gone wrong.

"Where's the resupply team?"

"Surely they heard the withdrawal bells?"

"What do we do? How will we get over the wall!?"

"Well great," said Jean. "They've barricaded themselves inside HQ and here we are with barely any gas or blades left."

"Looks like they left us to hang dry," said Bertheldttt.

"And you're no help whatsoever," said Reiner to the recruit next to him.

"Yeah, Franz, we all know you were pretending to be dead," said Connie. "Why can't you just man up and dump her already?"

"You don't know Hannah, man," said Franz. "Last guy who dumped her disappeared off the face of the earth!"

"He was under house arrest for exposing himself, idiot."

"That's what you all think!"

"Franz, he was me," said Jean.

"He was?"

"Yes."

"Seriously, Franz, what a waste of ketchup," added Connie.

"How can you even bend your legs that way?"

"I did ballet in middle school."

"… Ah."

A small, hopeful part of Armin now wondered if maybe Haruka pretended to die as well to avoid him. It wouldn't have been the first time.

"Come on, guys, let's try getting supplies!" said Sasha. "All we need to do is make it inside HQ!"

"What if the 3-4 meter class Titans infested the lower levels?" said Jean. "Face it, we're doomed."

"Can't we just pool our resources and think of something?" Sasha turned to Armin. "Armin, you're smart, right? Can't you think of anything?"

Armin racked his brain for any mathematical formula that could get him out of this particular mess, but nothing came to mind.

"Hey look, it's Mikasa!" said Marco. Armin's heart sank.

"What's going on?" she asked the group after landing on their rooftop. "Where's Haruka and the rest of Squad 34?"

They all looked at Armin in the corner, unable to put into words what happened.

She walked up to him. "Armin, are you hurt? And why are you covered in saliva? Did the other recruits spit all over you again?"

Armin shook as he gathered the courage to tell her. "I'm so sorry, Mikasa… Thomas, Mina, Nack, Millius, and Haruka… they were all killed in the line of duty."

Mikasa would not say anything for the longest time. When she finally spoke up, she hid all emotion from her voice. "And Samuel?"

"Ummmm," said Sasha sheepishly. "I _may_ have accidentally speared him in the foot." Everyone turned to stare at her. "Well I… I saw a bird fly by on the wall and… I was hungry so I jumped to catch it, and… and I didn't mean to jump off the wall but I did and I panicked and so I turned around and speared whatever I could to break my fall and it caught on his foot and… and then he passed out from the pain and had to be escorted out of Trost with the rest of the civilians."

"Sasha… the hell."

"Can you guys just tell him that I saved_ him_ from falling off the wall?"

"Let's get back to the real issue here," said Marco. "We need to eliminate the Titans around HQ so that we can resupply and retreat."

"That sounds completely suicidal," said Annie.

"How else will we get back up the wall?" asked another recruit.

"I'm not doing it."

They all protested.

"You guys are a bunch of cowards," said Mikasa. "We either can stand around and die for sure, or we can fight and die probably." And she jumped off the roof.

Inspired by this insipid speech, Jean turned to everyone. "Come on you guys! We can do this! Sloppy Joe's tonight!"

"WOOOT YEAH!"

"SLOPPY JOE'S TONIGHT!"

* * *

All the recruits had left except for one. Jean walked up to him to see what was wrong. "What's the matter, Rei?"

"I just… I don't think I can do it, Jean."

"Why not?"

"Just… look at me!" Rei turned around; he was sporting a special set of 3-dimensional gear designed for trainees and young children. It had penguin designs all over it.

"Uh… the penguins are nice."

"It was either penguins or unicorns," said Rei. "And Reiner took the unicorn one."

"I… see."

Rei turned to face Jean once more. "Don't you see, Jean? I can't do it. I can't kill Titans."

"Sure you can-"

"I can't! I tried cutting one on the back of the neck once and I think I only tickled it."

"…"

"I studied all the theories, memorized all the research, and nothing! Why is it so hard?"

"Look, dude, don't think about it so much. Just, I dunno, use your heart."

"I use my heart, but really the increased heart rate for speeding oxygen to my muscles is an involuntary bodily action which I cannot contr-"

"You know what? Just follow me and try not to die."

"Okay."

* * *

Mikasa mercilessly killed Titan after Titan, feeling increasingly unable to control her shaking. When she finally ran out of gas, it was in midair, and she tumbled down onto an awning.

_This must be punishment for all those fart jokes I made against Sasha_, she thought to herself. She rolled off the awning and leapt down to the ground, only to see a 15-meter class Titan walking right towards her. Almost against her will, she deduced that outrunning it was not possible. She looked down at the last of her blades, the both of them almost completely worn out. Surely fighting for her life was not even an option at this point?

_You still have Armin,_ said a small voice in her head. She immediately threw away her swords and lay down her body for the Titan.

_Oh well… I've had a good life, _she thought._ I just hope my violent death doesn't get blood all over my red scarf._

She did not see the other 15-meter class Titan turn the corner behind her.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I'm really, really sorry for all the Armin-bashing. He is in fact my favorite character in the show, so I torment him a lot…

Also, I bet you're all wondering how Jimmy dies. Stay tuned for the next chapter! *gross laughter*


End file.
